the beautiful messy scary joyous ride of life

5 01 2010

it’s been 18 days since my last post. life has a way of sometimes intervening and all we can do is just sort of hang on for the ride. that’s what’s been happening for me and that’s where i’ve been. thanks to everyone who DM’ed me asking for a post.

i’m seeing the chiropractor today and the acupuncturist tomorrow for the literal and figurative whiplash i’ve incurred from the ride of life i’ve been on since december 18th.

in short, i moved out of the place i had been living for like 7 years so we packed and unpacked, my girlfriend and i had a near death miss with a car accident that happened about 5 feet on either side of us and from which we were both traumatized for several days, i wrenched my back during the move and unpacking which left me flat on my back in bed for about 5 days, i got a terrible cold and could hardly function, and of course christmas and new years were happening all around us with all it’s unique logistical pressure.

so that’s where i’ve been.

the amazing thing is that i ended 2009 with so much closure that i almost fell off the roller coaster from the sheer force of growth and change. it was the first time that i was aware of time passing (a bittersweet effect of middle age), and understood it was the end of a decade and so i was prepared internally to put closure on an entire chapter of my life.

everything converged into a two week moment of time where life said to me, “Bindu honey, the force of propulsion with which you are hurtling through this portal is a direct result of how stuck you have perceived yourself, so buckle up, because your destiny just won’t wait another second.”

it looked and felt like this:

i think that when we can’t figure out how to un-stick ourselves externally and there is tremendous unrest and movement and dissatisfaction happening simultaneously internally, that the moment of getting unstuck on the outside can be very fast, almost violent in its motion and energy. especially if the external and internal are mismatched for years as they were in my case.

i think that’s because energy, being a force of nature, becomes very powerful when it is condensed or held back or compacted. our lives are flows of energy and sometimes, like any flow of water, it gets backed up from time to time, it meanders, it pools, it ebbs, but one thing is for sure; water must flow and energy must move. and when the dam breaks, there is a lot of energy unleashed.

sometimes energy can appear stuck for longer than we want. sometimes we think this is all that we can manifest for our lives. sometimes the pain of wanting more for ourselves and our lives and not knowing how to make it happen or how to move ourselves into a different internal vibration can be heartbreaking over and over again. sometimes we have to wait many years.

the important thing is to not give up and to keep the vision and the dream alive inside.

the force of being unstuck and/or taking your life to the next level can feel wild when the dam breaks, or, as we say in buddhism, your karma ripens.

sometimes conceptual mind is slower than wisdom mind. sometimes we don’t really know what’s going on. there is a lag between what we have created in our lives and in our understanding. at least that’s often the case for me. i am headed in a direction and i’m not totally sure what’s happening but i am propelled and am manifesting the outer conditions and experiences that i have felt were not right internally for quite some time.

i never fight that feeling of being propelled. i just hold on for the ride. often i get physically sick or mildly injured. or both. i tend to somaticize.

and then like any ride, it comes to a stop. and i get out and look around and things seem more closely aligned from the point of view of my internal vision of my life and my actual life.

if life, as i believe it is, is all mind, then i am incredibly interested in my life being a reflection of the natural luminous nature of mind. i want that to be reflected in where i live, the people in my life, the creative endeavours i undertake, and the self-care i extend to myself on behalf of others.

stay tuned. i believe 2010 is going to be my best year yet. i am happy you are along for the beautiful messy scary joyous ride with me.

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11 responses

5 01 2010
Danielle LaPorte

explains. so. much.
xo

5 01 2010
Kate Moller

Reading this felt like reading my internal monologue summing up the past couple of months. And then I remembered this is about your life. And then (after feeling sheepishly narcissistic) I breathed deeply and settled into the comfort of oneness, the collective conscious/unconscious, and the touching possibility/reality that my reality is in fact shared. Thanks for comforting me with your words today.

5 01 2010
Lindsey

sometimes conceptual mind is slower than wisdom mind.

This explains why I feel some deep spiritual dissonance sometimes, and like things don’t really add up at all … I guess I need to have the faith and patience to just wait, and the ride will take me there … thank you for this exquisite and beguiling post.

5 01 2010
Christine "Blisschick" Reed

Thank you for articulating the feeling I have been having since October, when I officially and finally unbuckled myself from a lifelong relationship with Depression. I seem to have stepped right onto the Roller Coaster called life just as it was about to peak and fly down that first hill.

This feeling of sudden freedom and joy is accompanied by a dizzying drop-kick to the stomach, which can take away the very breath that could re-center me.

Enough with the metaphor, Christine! Get to the point!

I have felt so lost and so excited, which has been perplexing. I think you’ve summed it up. Thank you again.

6 01 2010
insatiablehost

welcome back bindu and enjoy the ride.

i am not usually drawn to discussion of spirituality or other such interpretations to why or how we feel…until as of late I have been trying to grasp who I am – and what am I about…the mother, wife, friend and woman…

this helps so much to see and possibly understand the “cloud” of November and December… thank you for the enlightenment. great to have you back.

6 01 2010
Julie

“i am incredibly interested in my life being a reflection of the natural luminous nature of mind. i want that to be reflected in where i live, the people in my life, the creative endeavours i undertake, and the self-care i extend to myself on behalf of others.”
the natural luminous nature of mind reflected in all of life. now that’s a party I’m inviting myself to.

6 01 2010
whollyjeanne

julie and i are on the same page here. those sentences she mentioned are the ones that leapt out and latched on. i think i’ll just invite myself to that party, too.

6 01 2010
Connie

“if life, as i believe it is, is all mind, then i am incredibly interested in my life being a reflection of the natural luminous nature of mind. i want that to be reflected in where i live, the people in my life, the creative endeavours i undertake, and the self-care i extend to myself on behalf of others.”

That line hit me so hard that I wrote it down and now it hangs above my desk here at work…I think it just might be the flame that is setting this canon ball blast into motion….just maybe!

Beautiful post.

Peace & Love.

6 01 2010
Dian Reid

Beautiful description of being flung into unstuckness. Looking forward to your best year yet, Bindu, and happy to be along for the ride…let us enjoy this messy scary joyous thing!!

6 01 2010
Andrea

This is one of the best things I’ve ever read. Seriously. I keep reading it over and over and over again because it gives me hope that perhaps, at long last, my own damn is about to break. And in the meantime, it gives me the strength “to not give up and to keep the vision and the dream alive inside”.

Thank you…

7 01 2010
Seiho Jaye Morris

Your blog post is beautiful, speaking well of who you are. Your mind is moving well.

As H.H. The Dalai Lama says, “With a wish to free all beings, I shall always go for refuge to the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha until I reach full enlightenment.

“Enthused by wisdom and compassion, today in the Buddha’s presence, I generate the Mind of Full Awakening for the benefit of all sentient beings.

“As long as space endures, as long as sentient beings remain, until then, may I too remain and dispel the miseries of the world.”

Be Safe & Be Well,

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